I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize