I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
