i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
