Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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