I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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