as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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