I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
