my phone needs a breathalizer
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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