dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
