I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
