Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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