my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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