It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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