Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
