I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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