By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
