my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize