and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
