Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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