I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
