dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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