The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize