So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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