Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
