Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
