I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
