"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
