I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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