She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
