I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
