My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
