you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He shit in the fireplace
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize