I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
