im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
