his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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