I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
