I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
