im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
