I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
