i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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