New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
