I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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