You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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