While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
