It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
