oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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