the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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