im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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