I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
