Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
