i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize