dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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