mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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