i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
