So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
