Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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